The end is near

One more week, not an official regular school week, but the week of finals. The end of classes and assignments and grades. At least daily grades and academic work. Forever and ever. That's what everyone's saying, but I don't know if I can say forever and ever. I guess a dream dies when I say that. Being in graduate school has created so many more doubts about myself that I don't know where to go despite the urge to do something different, to change my course in life but with absolutely no idea how or where or what. Hopefully this is just the subconcsious trepidations coming up in weird forms because the next step in life is coming up real soon. But then, I have never been this happy or anxious to get out of here. I never really delighted in graduating. Sure, it's new and interesting, but never so freeing.

I guess graduate school magnified and complicated all my inadequacies that I don't know anymore what to do, or rather, want to give up and curl up in a hole somewhere until the end of times arrives. I need salvation. I need motivation. I need real hope.

But then I am going to sign up for the board exams, send out resumes. Dress up as professionally as I know how, and force that smile on my face, and go to those interviews. I'm going to find a job, get to work and do all those things that people do on earth. Fill up time. Sounds very empty, this does. And I can try to forget this, and try to choose to be happy, fight through negativity, pray for meaning in what I will do.