I really haven't updated this blog for a long long while and I'm thinking of turning in a new direction, again, as I always do. But I think I'm also pressed for time and therefore, will not change blogs (since the background is always what motivates me to keep one and as long as I don't visit the site, I don't see the layout, I don't get bored).
Things have been going pretty crazy for me, yet for some odd reason I feel in control of my life even though things are exactly smooth sailing, so to say. I think I developed an immunity to wild emotions since I got back from Hungary...sad but true. I do get in the mood at times, when I have time. But then again, I know that one of the signs (for me, anyhow) when I feel fulfilled with my life (or somewhat satisfied, because being fully contented with one's life is forgetting how to have a vibratant life) is being emotionally in touch no matter the circumstance, specifically, fully experiencing and allowing the essence of life seep into every pore of my being :)

So, the facts: I've been a real bore nerd in the last few weeks. I do nothing but study, work and think about studying. Of course I cannot function without rest, but rest consist of sleep or sitting down staring into space, thinking of school and work. But then of course I bump into friends...but those moments end too soon and are dampened by my fault of thinking of what I have to do next, worries or my half-cosmotose state. yet, for some odd reason, as mentioned before, I am pleased with life. I think it's the joy I feel for no particular reason I can explain of right now and in this present situation. It's kinda free-floating I suppose, of life, in general.

Clinicals are taking up half of my thought world and is the 'event' that is shaking my being at this present times. I haven't been 'shaken' very much, not this frequently at least, not in ways that challenge my person. I have been nowadays. It doesn't devastate and paralyze me as much as it did before. Getting used to it I suppose. And in ways, I don't like it, but neither do I hate it. I learn so much from these occasions, so much, so deeply and meaningfully. It scares me at times to think of what all this new learning and knowledge means. I dare not say wisdom...after all, the awareness of my knowing-nothing has increased dramatically, especially in moments when I have time to think about myself in third person (yup, I do...haha, eogcentric me).
I also have been somewhat reduced to a cry-baby these days. More and more 'bad events' are happening around me, to me, to others I care about. We had a sob session, to put it crassly, at the clinic lecture today. I can't think of my practice, and then future (that's the tentative plan so far) role as a speech therapist without getting all worked up.

And then I'm going to graduate soon from a place I don't really want to leave. I am looking forward to explore and experience new things, curious to learn. But then I want the Calvin environment, parts of it. It is not perfect but it has been good. It's the people, if not the institution, it's the commitment to educate that it has. It is the ethics of the professors, it's the code of integrity they follow I respect and desire for myself. It's the community. Calvin does spoil you, very much so, especially in my major, a small so tight group of people. Calvin helps if you want to grow, if you work towards it.