I threw out my notes and lecture hand-outs from all those classes in my freshman til now that are not relevant to my major. All those core classes, part of my 'liberal arts education.' Looking through them reminded me of some interesting, some fascinating, some bored, some comical moments. Notes from FR year...scared little kid. Notes that came from a hot swelting classroom in Budapest. Notes from a night class that challenged me spiritually. Notes from SB 010 that made me realize that words that left my lips better be worthwhile. Notes from FA 123 that left me with a confidence that lingered til today. Notes from a psychology class full of pictures on the margins, mind you, they were all relevants to the scribbled notes. Notes from a communication class that are not all in my handwriting.

Tossing them in the dumpster made me feel as though I was throwing away my escape routes, or rather, my alternatives to a different future. I like my notes. They are alive and stirs my imagination and creativity, arouses my curious and parched mind that wants to know more, more. Reminds me of how I was back then, evalutes what I am now.

I threw them out because I didn't want to carry around bunches of papers from place to place, taking up much room of what I can carry with me. Moving with a lot of stuff is no fun. Now in my senior year, I got real and decided they have to go. No way I'm going to lug them across the sea, land, where ever I go.

Will I regret this? I already do, but for any real practical reason, why would I keep them? Perhaps I should written all my notes on a laptop. I remember from my FR year ENGL 101 class, one of the girls carried around a laptop instead of a file binder. Then, I would have disks and not papers now. But there's magic to the paper and pen, as in writing letters vs emails do.

This is not to say that I dislike my major. I have all my notes from my major, ready to help me out in graduate school. Applying to graduate school at this point suffocates me, makes me feel restricted, ties my hands down from wandering away from auditory processing, verbal expression, aphasia, swallowing disorders, language development. Perhaps I'm just nervous of stepping in the direction that will make most of my career decisions in the coming years. Hah...perhaps this liberal arts education is working too well for me. I want to skip around, to be free of growing up and settling down. I'm talking crazy by reality's standards now.

Perhaps it's the sudden change in weather today--it's winter now, it was way below zero just two days ago, and today, no snow is on the ground, the sun came out and it feels like spring. It reminded me that change is possible, that life is not a repetitious routine I, we, go through. And change is our decision to make.

I did keep some of the notes. Notes I thought I didn't want to forget. I don't know if I had really separated the piles all correctly. Maybe I accidentally tossed out some I intended to keep, but I don't want to look through the toss out pile again, I did so for a little just now, and I wanted to keep them all again. There is no such thing as not enough memory space in the brain, is there. There's one page that sticks in my mind now...my notes of Kati's story in Hungary during the communist occupation.

Well, I ought study for my GRE now I suppose.