Words

My English teacher senior year (or rather, Junior, since I didn't do 12th grade) in high school told me I was mediocre, and then told that to my mum on parent day (to her credit, she seemed rather uncomfortable, wrinkling up her nose, talking in a semi-hushed tone, when she said it). It's funny how English was always my favorite subject, yet I always found class itself boring. Probably it's because we were reading the simplified version of "Great Expectations" that took up a whole year to complete as far as literature was concerned for English class. Note: Not the teacher's fault I think, it's the material supplied and syllabi given. This English teacher had also told me I was very resourceful on a different occasion much earlier on, when I first started getting to know her better, when she was the school's debating team advisor. Both comments I remember til this day. Another one was on the reunion (or was it the goodbye party?)...when she found out I was going into speech pathology...a nod of the head and a "hmmp..." but she was impressed I was finding my way to the US, as no one else in the class was at that time (PS: It was actually my mum that was pushing me through, as I was a rather blurr case that didn't know what came after high school in life back in the day). I think she's right about me on both counts (the third one being just oddly remembered). I analyze, dissect her comments, trying to figure it out and take it in all the right ways *ahem* as the world of positive thinking and the 7 (now, 8) habits of highly successful people go.

I'm finding that most people are average, and in college, they tell you you can make a difference, you can be the movers and shakers of the world. They cite events and people in the past that altered the course of history...who where those people...all students, all young persons...just like you...so go out and change the world. So I go out, roll up my sleeves and call down the heavens above and all the heavenly host, and land among stacks of papers, manila folders, politically correct conversations, deadlines, and business suits. And facing the fact that wow, you do need money to live day by day and pay rent, but who care, I'd make just enough to get by. I feel like a modern day hippie...which is what my generation is becoming anyhow (there's nothing new under the sun...). Truth is, as told by my communication professor, the movers and shakers of the world are very much the most ordinary people, no different from me or you. To be told that, by one of the leading ladies of her field, is hope.

A friend told me I wrote a very well written email. Sometimes words comes out nicely just like sometimes my cooking is sometimes edible, when it's got heart.

People keep asking, how's things going? How's work (aha...how do you answer this one when it's your co-workers asking?) going? Do you like it here? Why did you come here? I don't really have an answer I can share with people I just met and people in general. How else do you answer such a question, besides smile and say "great!" and give the standard replies that is expected of you. I don't especially like small talk...it's doesn't seem to ring truth and get anywhere. I am glad and great and bouncing all around excited. I'm also nervous, anxious and lonely. I'm bored but also learning, I don't know if I like it here or not. I don't dislike it. How do I answer without contradicting and explaining myself, I guess I'm too serious for the most part. Most times I think I do things with the subconcious reason because I am curious, I am driven by curiousity, the let's find out what will happen, who cares how I feel about it...I just want to know. I don't trust people...I have never admitted to this before, until about a month ago, I decided to tell a friend that, just to know what it's like to have said it aloud to someone. He took it pretty well I think, we're still friends. I was at a Sunday service in Mt. P whereby the preacher was talking about several aspects (virtues? attributes?) of our life, that unless we have them, it affects our ability to be close to God and receive Him as He is. One was trust. If we could not trust, then we do rely on Him, we don't have the kind of relationship we were meant to have.

At times like these, I mentally go through the list of people in my head that I can think of and think who I can talk to without worrying them to bits but who also will understand and listen and care. I'm out.