Change

I switched the title of this blog, from "The Student" to "Elpida." I have always been a student, a scholar, and now that, for the first time, I am completely out of the student zone and into the working world, I feel keeping that title will, whether unconsciously or not, keep me back from edging onwards, growing. What's his name...Prof (some Dutch name)...the one that wrote the tiresome orange and black covered book that all freshmen had to read (thus, tiresome, it really is a good book elsewise. I had mine autographed by him, I hope it's still somewhere amongst my boxes of books)...he told me that what you call yourself, your name, shapes the way you act and think, it is a reflection of what you think of yourself. When asked, I told him I didn't really have a preference, I was called Deb, Debbie, or Deborah, people always ended calling me one or the other, or some other nickname anyhow. I found it rather fascinating to see what people came up with. He replied that if I did not know myself what to do be called (what I preferred to be called?), then how could I know myself and live for myself? I was pretty pissed at him at that time...heck, I was a freshman, not only that, a FOTB SE Asian, that really didn't know what American college life was suppose to be about. Back then, getting As were the only thing hammered so deeply into Malaysian brains. To make things even better, I found out he was a professor in my department (ok, I was a student of his department)...henceforth, I made sure I did not sign up for any of his classes. I even managed to escape the capstone course, the one he taught. I really do think he is a wonderful man and teacher, he is brilliant and still could teach me much...Calvin did offer a ton of opportunities. I learnt from him for that one moment, and then, from asking friends who did take his classes what he had to say. So I was intimidated!!! He seemed to loom over me and peer down from under his frameless steel spectacles.

Anyways, he was right. In a philosophical way. Actually I think it's a concept from some ancient philosopher. I am no good at philosophy (did I ever mention that the first class I took to pair with the DCM/Prelude (Intro to College class) was a PHILO taught by only the most mad brilliant philosopher John Hare and of course I drove him nuts by not understanding anything he was saying, heck I hadn't picked up any Socrates from the wonderful Malaysian education system in all my years there...I didn't even know I had chosen a PHILO class! Dr. Hare might have liked me a little more if I had, instead, taken one of his class as JR or SR). If I was a little more aware of my surroundings, I might have taken a CAS course, because that's what apparently you were suppose to do, take a class that's connected to your major so that you can learn to discern and engage from a Christian/Calvinist perspective in your respective field of study.

Back to topic: hence, "Elpida." Hope. That has been the force that helps me pick up myself everyday and especially when times are rough. When I feel like the world's against me and the walls are caving in. I love to learn, I know this for sure now that I have left learning as my main occupation. Just as I am also sure that I love the medical setting, children and teenagers, brain injury and AAC. I enjoy my job now. I also know that I have put my dreams on hold, and I need hope to not forget them. I know now is time for preparation to achieve those dreams, and what I'm doing now does not appear to be that way (at least in my daily mind). Sometimes I feel sick that I'm not in school or some influential place and being all that my professors thought I would be. But I think it's time that I listen to others that I don't want to listen to and also stand up for myself. Being a worker is tricky I think. You work independently and make independent decisions, and yet you obey your supervisor and follow the corporate rules. I also see myself a a crossroad, between pursuing a career that will dominate my life for the most part, or another life where I do the 9-5 and also have a family life. The scary part is that I think that God allows us, me to choose whichever life I want, made by the choices I choose today and tomorrow. I've never been one to be able to do both. Maybe that will happen but I have not felt so.

Well, there you have it. Elpida.